I guess the only thing that I have been passionate about & sincerely wanted all my growing years was to become a mother. I nourished this dream day after day, even before I could get married. I would hold my sisters son close to my bosom & feel the satisfaction of knowing what a mom must feel when she cuddles her child. This experience would make my desire for a child even more intense.
I completed my Masters in Counseling Psychology in May 2005 & there after rushed my parents to find me a suitable match. I met my loving husband in July 2006 and was soon married in November of 2007. My husband asked me soon after marriage what was that I wanted of him & I replied I want our child.
As every married couple feels that conception is easy, so did we but were disappointed when month after month there was no news of our good news :( That's when I started to panic though my husband was quite chilled out about the whole thing. There after started my endless rounds of gynac & fertility test visits. I was probed & poked, scolded at for being overweight & wanting a child.
All reports used to be normal & clear, with the only advice being that I has to lose weight to conceive, but being a professional and add to that living in the suburbs would leave me with no time to exercise or gym. After much hair splitting and contemplation I decided to quit my job & devote time to gaining my appropriate weight. I was successful in losing some weight but my goal was still far away.
Everywhere I went I would see pregnant ladies or young couples with new borns and this would act as painful reminder of what i wanted but others had. The last nail in the coffin for me was when we went to visit a relative who had just delivered a boy, as soon as we entered the room the mother hid her baby under her stole on the pretext of feeding the child. Well I was no mother but I did know the difference between a child that was feeding and a child that is asleep. I came home and cried for hours in my husbands embrace, he also was pained by the incident.
With the struggles for having a child comes a lot of free n unwanted advice. There were many who assumed that we were sitting idle & did not do anything to try for a child. One day my husband sat me down and told me that before a child & after a child there is only 'you' & 'me'. That having a child is a joy but that eventually when the bird flies out of the nest, it would be only him & me for each other, and that I should believe that now is the time that we are with each other. He saying this eased my pain a little, but we didnt give up on our efforts, in April 2012 I conceived after a round of IUI but then again it was not HIS will for it to carry forward & i lost our child in the 5th week itself.
I cried for days together, until one day a realization dawned on me that I had done all I could, i took all the precautions i could, also that a child was the one thing that only God can gift a man no matter how many fertility treatments one takes. I accepted this fact, became more thankful to God for everything that He gave me rather than concentrating on the things that He had not given me.
A suddenly Lo n Behold during the most unexpected time of my life where I had stopped all fertility medicines and was going through a rough patch as my parents was ailing, I am blessed with a child. My initial reaction were tears & screams of joy, followed by apprehensions. I have sailed safely into the 6th month of my pregnancy, but still on the days that I don't feel my baby move my heart is gripped by fear. I have to literally peel my fear away.
But then I realize that nothing is in my hands, not even the things that I feel are because It is time only when HE decides it is.
I completed my Masters in Counseling Psychology in May 2005 & there after rushed my parents to find me a suitable match. I met my loving husband in July 2006 and was soon married in November of 2007. My husband asked me soon after marriage what was that I wanted of him & I replied I want our child.
As every married couple feels that conception is easy, so did we but were disappointed when month after month there was no news of our good news :( That's when I started to panic though my husband was quite chilled out about the whole thing. There after started my endless rounds of gynac & fertility test visits. I was probed & poked, scolded at for being overweight & wanting a child.
All reports used to be normal & clear, with the only advice being that I has to lose weight to conceive, but being a professional and add to that living in the suburbs would leave me with no time to exercise or gym. After much hair splitting and contemplation I decided to quit my job & devote time to gaining my appropriate weight. I was successful in losing some weight but my goal was still far away.
Everywhere I went I would see pregnant ladies or young couples with new borns and this would act as painful reminder of what i wanted but others had. The last nail in the coffin for me was when we went to visit a relative who had just delivered a boy, as soon as we entered the room the mother hid her baby under her stole on the pretext of feeding the child. Well I was no mother but I did know the difference between a child that was feeding and a child that is asleep. I came home and cried for hours in my husbands embrace, he also was pained by the incident.
With the struggles for having a child comes a lot of free n unwanted advice. There were many who assumed that we were sitting idle & did not do anything to try for a child. One day my husband sat me down and told me that before a child & after a child there is only 'you' & 'me'. That having a child is a joy but that eventually when the bird flies out of the nest, it would be only him & me for each other, and that I should believe that now is the time that we are with each other. He saying this eased my pain a little, but we didnt give up on our efforts, in April 2012 I conceived after a round of IUI but then again it was not HIS will for it to carry forward & i lost our child in the 5th week itself.
I cried for days together, until one day a realization dawned on me that I had done all I could, i took all the precautions i could, also that a child was the one thing that only God can gift a man no matter how many fertility treatments one takes. I accepted this fact, became more thankful to God for everything that He gave me rather than concentrating on the things that He had not given me.
A suddenly Lo n Behold during the most unexpected time of my life where I had stopped all fertility medicines and was going through a rough patch as my parents was ailing, I am blessed with a child. My initial reaction were tears & screams of joy, followed by apprehensions. I have sailed safely into the 6th month of my pregnancy, but still on the days that I don't feel my baby move my heart is gripped by fear. I have to literally peel my fear away.
But then I realize that nothing is in my hands, not even the things that I feel are because It is time only when HE decides it is.
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